Tales of the Parodyverse

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Josh Clement
Sun Jan 15, 2006 at 12:52:11 pm EST
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A Very Parody Christmas #11 - Now With Added Johnny Depp Voiceover
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A Very Parody Christmas #11

So Josh and Uhuna are under the buffet table at Vizh’s lighthouse Christmas bash. Just for a little bit of a rest, and to get away from the crowds. Also, Uhuna’s dress was a bit tight so it needed loosening, and so were Josh’s pants. Plus there might be a prize later for creative uses for vol-au-vonts and Josh and Uhuna need to practise. They take things like that very seriously, because they are very dedicated people.

Josh: “Ahhh ahhh aaaahhh…!”

Uhuna: “Yes… oh yes… feed me…!”

And that’s when that bizarre time-loop thing from Dancer’s chapter cuts in, forcing everyone to repeat their last few seconds again and again and again. Damn.

Meanwhile, somewhere over the rainbow, the evil witch queen Snoprah Wintry has just turned all the Juniors into stone, and not in the Lisa kind of way. She has a magic wand, and she’s not afraid to use it. She also has a troll with a big hammer, and she’s not afraid to use him to smash the Juniors statues either. But right now she has another problem.

“Boris! That large purple rabbit just hopped up and stole my magic wand! After him! Crush him! Skin him!”

Boris: “Okay.”

“What is the magic forest coming to? What on Earth would cause a big lopsided purple rabbit to steal my magic wand?”

“Maybe a little bird told him?” crows a killer shrike (that’s a kind of bird with a dumb crest on its head). “See, I knew I’d be coming in useful in this plot sometime.”

SWACK! That’s the sound of an angry witch queen thwacking an interfering and dumb-looking bird with her enchanted crown.

Killer Shrike: “Ow.”

Now she turns back to the Juniors. “Hmm. No sign of Boris yet with the pulped remains of that rabbit. And he took the best sledgehammer with him. Still, I can probably start with a little creative chiselling.” She looks Harlagaz up and down. “Hmm, I’ll definitely start with you.”

“Ouch,” says another voice from the snow. This one sounds a bit like Johnny Depp doing Pirates of the Caribbean. “Being neutered is no joke. Ask the vet who tried it on me. When he gets out of reconstructive surgery.”

Snoprah looks down and find a scraggy-looking ginger cat licking his paw beside the Juniors. “Another comic animal?” she snarls.

Lisa’s Cat: “Do I look like I do comedy? I prefer to think of myself as an action-adventure type, really. Flynn. Eastwood. Willis. Lee. Bruce, not Spike.”

Snoprah: “That blasted interfering talking bird brought you here and put you up to opposing me, did he?”

The Cat, looking innocent despite the feather hanging from his mouth: “There was a bird involved? And it talked? Remarkable.”

Snoprah: “So you’re allied with the wand-stealing rabbit then!”

The Cat: “Depends if involved is a euphemism for ‘haven’t found a way of eating him yet’.” He looks over at the witch queen. “You’re standing on my territory, by the way.”

The Witch Queen: “Your territory! I am the ruler of this land, you mangy feline! And once I crush these children into rubble the prophesy will be thwarted and I shall reign over it forever. By what right do you claim this place as yours?”

The Cat looks surprised. “I’m here!”

The witch queen spots Boris running back. “Did you crush the fleabitten purple vermin?”

Cat: “Yes, did you?”

Boris: “Not quite. But I decided it was time to come back when he figured out how to use the magic wa…” And suddenly Boris is a big statue.

The Cat goes and sprays him. “Now you’re in trouble, lady. It’s your worst nightmare. A bunny with a wand!”

Snoprah: “Hah! I have many other terrible occult powers at my disposal, and I can still…” *Turns to statue*

Rabito: “Take that, evil witch queen! And now for you, Cat.”

The Cat brushes his whiskers while Rabito zaps him with the wand. “Finished?” he asks. “Only I was hoping – pessimistically, you understand – that you might figure out how to reverse the settings on that thing and de-stone my feeders and petters. I’m getting hungry, and I’m getting low on annoying talking animals.”

Rabito: “It should be easy if I just turn these little dials here on the thingie. There. No, that’s turned them to glass. There. No, trees. There, then. Oops, jello.”

The Cat: “You haven’t the first idea what you’re doing, have you?” He sighs. “Why am I asking? You’re Rabito.”

Rabito: “Feathers… Safety pins… Teabags... Chocolate… Telesales Personnel…”

Cat: “Hey, turn them back to chocolate. I could probably find a use for them then.”

Kerry: “Have you thought of changing your long distance carrier service?”

Ham-Boy: “Congratulations on winning a wonderful free gift!”

Glory: “We’re conducting a promotion in your neighbourhood and your house has been selected…”

Rabito: “Wait, perhaps this button marked ‘Reverse’?”

Cat: “You think? Could you hurry up please. I can see the next plot twist approaching.”

Rabito zaps the Juniors back to normal. Well, what passes for normal with the Juniors.

Harlagaz: “I hast the strangest desire to offereth dream holidays in Ausgard to all that I meet!”

Fashion Accessory: “Does anyone else have wet leggings and a strange acrid smell about them?”

Cat: ………

Hacker Nine: “No! It’s mine! It’s mine! My preciousssss!!!”

Ham-Boy: “Do I want to know why H9 has his hands down his pants?”

And that’s when nine Dark Riders shimmer out of the, um, darkness and surround the Juniors, their big green-glowing swords whispering to themselves. Maybe cackling.

“The rrrriiinnnggg!!!” they hiss.

“The ring?” puzzles FA.

“By Elbereth and Luthien the Fair you shall have neither the ring nor I!” warns Harlagaz.

“If anyone wants me, I’ll be watching the fight from over here in this tree,” says the Cat. “You Nazgul guys can start the massacre without me.”

Rabito: “Aren’t you going to save the Juniors again?”

Cat: “Yeah, that’s top of my to do list. Honestly.”

Kerry: “So… would you say you old dead villain guys were… flammable?”

To be continued…








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